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Good morning, beautiful! I hope you are in great spirits and excited about the day. I woke up with the weirdest feeling, and I am not sure how to deal with my thoughts, so I decided to share. First things first, I must give you some background. Last week was a transformative week for me. It was one where I spent some quality time with God, and I really got some much-needed clarity on some things I’ve been struggling with for a long time. Then on Thursday, I went to LA to teach runway to a bunch of really amazing aspiring models. I got to spend some time with one of my oldest friends, Sandy, and it was overall a really cool trip.
On this trip, I noticed I kept having some really random dreams, and I felt as if maybe it was because I was in a hotel and not in my own bed or maybe because I was dealing with some spiritual warfare. I’ve been experiencing so much spiritually this week and well, the past year or so, that I really can’t deny that there is something going on. I guess I can only explain it as a veil being lifted, and now… I’m not really sure what happens next. I was really proud of myself for not falling back into old patterns, but to be really honest, I don’t think that’s enough.
Anyway, I got back home Saturday night (it was a super short trip), and Sunday I got my mom ready for a friend’s 100-year-old birthday party. She looked soooo good! I am so happy I could help her feel as amazing as she is. I am a firm believer in dressing the way you want the world to treat you. It may sound weird, but one thing I have learned over the years is that clothes can be so many things and help you on your journey. For me, it is mostly an armor. I know what people see when they look at me… (side eye). When I feel well put together and I believe I am properly dressed for the occasion, I feel confident enough to be my best self, no matter what that means in any situation.
For example, teaching runway in front of hundreds of models can be super daunting. I get so nervous sometimes because, although I am qualified to be the teacher, I can still learn from the students things I’ve never known. I also want to give them knowledge that can actually help them on their journey, not just tell them generic stuff to satisfy my superiors. This week was a special class. It is the end of the year for the models in training, and I was giving them their last pep talk before they get to meet with the agents they hope to be signed with. I wore a white business suit. This suit made me feel powerful and sexy and ready to conquer. I really felt like the experienced model I am, lol, and it helped me to get over my nerves and “give the people what they want.” I felt beautiful on the outside, and it helped me to share my beauty on the inside.
It may sound strange, but a well-put-together outfit always helps me to be my absolute best self. Overall, it worked! I think I did good, and I had really good feedback, so I think it went well. On the plane home, I had a real ‘think’ session. I tend to do that on planes. My thoughts wandered to what was happening in my life and the world. I really feel like there is a strange shift happening spiritually. I keep saying that, but it’s really hard to explain when I’m not sure what I’m explaining. I do know what it is, but I’m not sure how to put it into words. It feels like the veil has been lifted and the physical world and the spiritual world have been becoming one. I feel as if I’m able to discern more, see more, and overall, the things that used to make me happy just seem so juvenile and ridiculous. Everything is changing.
Earlier this week, when I had my heart-to-heart with God, I came across Pastor Vlad’s message about coming out of agreement with things that have trapped us for so long. It could be things known and unknown, and when I say this message hit me like a brick, it would be an understatement. I was able to identify a boatload of things in my life I wanted to get together, and overall, I had some instant revelations. I know that God is real and He works, but I am so mad at myself sometimes that I still have this wavering faith that keeps questioning and hoping for all this to be a hoax. My problem, I think, is I want my life to look a certain way, and I know I can, but lots of things have to change. I want instant changes, and that’s not how God works. I just feel resentful sometimes because of it, like a spoiled child, and I really want to stop feeling like that.
Now, here we are back to Sunday when I went to dinner with my cousin. It is always fun to hang out with her because she gets it spiritually, so I don’t have to explain myself when I talk about stuff. We both are aware that our family is wild, so it’s refreshing to have someone to talk to. At our dinner, I had two glasses of wine. Now, I know it’s not the most horrible thing in the world, but I kind of decided to quit drinking, and while I was good about it in LA, I convinced myself a glass or two was okay, and now I feel horrible. I think it’s the conviction of the Holy Spirit mixed with my own self-loathing. UGH! Why am I like this?
On top of it all, when I got home, things took a turn. OK, so don’t judge me, but a few weeks ago, a friend and I agreed we’d start dating. Yep, “that part.” She’s a respectable Christian girl, and she joined a dating app, so I decided I’d do it too… lol. I kind of felt pressured—not by her, but by other people—to do this, but to be honest, I really wanted to find my person… someone I can talk to who gets me like my cousin and someone to go through life with. Full disclosure: I’ve noticed that I’ve been a little resentful that God hasn’t sent me this person yet, so I think I’ve built up an invisible wall around my heart, and I think this is how I’ll help myself heal from this “trauma,” lol.
So obviously, I thought I’d find someone I liked instantly, and when I did not like anyone (well, I’m assuming because I’m a vibes person and it’s kind of hard to catch someone’s vibe on the internet), I got more resentful. When I was bored at the airport, I started talking to some guys, and one stood out and was cool. I was not super into him, but conversation was easy, and I began convincing myself this is not so bad. I gave him my number, and we texted a few times—nothing super wild. Then he said he wants to be a YouTuber. It was a bit of a turn-off I must admit, but I was like, whatever, we can do it together. He told me he just posted his first video, so I made the huge mistake of asking him to send it to me. When I say I bitterly wanted to cry…
Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with him, but he’s not how he looks in his pictures. Well, maybe my imagination had other plans. I am not really huge on how guys look… let me stop lying. I just was not attracted to him at all, and I was not into his vibe AT ALL. I still want to cry because I thought this would be it for me, you know? Somehow, I’d just find my person and my life would be perfect! I don’t know what to do because this is a nice guy, and I don’t want to be mean, but I don’t want to talk to him anymore. He just texted me “Good morning,” and I am still cringing. What is wrong with me?!
So after the YouTube thing, I was scrolling on Instagram because I was super disappointed. LIKE FOR REAL. I saw that my friend just had a baby, and I wanted to congratulate him because I love babies, lol. We got to talking, and he was telling me about how his walk with Christ changed everything for him. He said that in that instant decision to be on God’s team, his whole life changed. (I LOVE THIS TYPE OF STORY!) The wild thing is, I started feeling kind of sad for myself. I kind of felt like maybe I was doing something wrong because I’ve been praying for a change for years now, and I just don’t feel like it’s happening. Then all the things came tumbling down, and here I am trying to vent.
